the herstory of love.

been very nervous and uncomfortable and excited about my new project. been very apprehensive; but today was told that I'm doing good, and we both smiled and agreed at the fact that this will be a lifelong project--but how that's good, that this is important for me.

feeling inspired by the colors blue and gold,  Raymond Meeks, meditation, and the sound of rain. 

started writing letters the other day to everyone included in this. it's nice to be reminded of exactly what people mean to you. i am very fondly holding these words in my hands and reading and rereading them.

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have also been thinking of a book I read a few years ago now, but very much love. specifically of a certain quote reminding me of the impermanence of things/Things:

"My brother and I used to play a game. I'd point to a chair. "THIS IS NOT A CHAIR," I'd say. Bird would point to the table. "THAT IS NOT A TABLE." "THIS IS NOT A WALL," I'd say. "THAT IS NOT A CEILING." We'd go on like that. "IT IS NOT RAINING OUT." "MY SHOE IS NOT UNTIED!" Bird would yell. I'd point to my elbow. "THIS IS NOT A SCRAPE." Bird would lift his knee. "THIS IS ALSO NOT A SCRAPE!" "THAT IS NOT A KETTLE!" "NOT A CUP!" "NOT A SPOON!" "NOT DIRTY DISHES!" We denied whole rooms, years, weathers..."
- nicole krauss

am struggling with boundaries, balance, and the right amount of detachment. lots of self-care enforced recently. these letters were an aid in remaining grounded and tethered to my feelings. I do not want to deny the point of living.   

(this also came in the mail today: )

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last week i shot some pictures and said some things in a greenhouse; i wrote down that i recognized this happening in a place with life growing. I surprised my family and friends with a visit home recently; I ran my trails and mockingbirds took flight on all sides with me.

 "I! HAVE NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY WHOLE! LIFE!" 

 

S.