as i buckle down to finally write an update, it is world suicide prevention day. maybe a coincidence. but mostly a clashing and combining of my worlds and words.
continuing to be inspired, continuing to work and do work in many different ways. been spending a lot of time painting and being silly with a soon-to-be six year old (whose sunflower is so tall it almost reaches my bedroom window). spending a lot of time finally reading again. a lot of time transferring plants to bigger pots. a lot of time still being drawn towards the color blue.
was recently moved by rebecca solnit’s “a field guide to getting lost”. i’m unsure how to describe this movement without relaying multiple excerpts, but i will try:
even as i reread and type this piece, i am recognizing new meaning it holds for me.
there is a lot of uprooting and disheveling going on at home, and as a result of that i have been given bags upon bags upon piles upon piles of old things to go through: from jewelry, to music, to notes and journals with forgotten words. upon reading through these decade old converse shoeboxes of note exchanges with old friends, i had a very hard few days in which i became filled with rage, then shame, then sadness, with few laughs inbetween and mostly just questions. but as always, my issues are sent my way when i am finally ready to deal with them. so, i grieved. and then i burned everything. time to rip off the band-aid, stop being masochistic, and make room for what was directly in front of me.
what else? not much externally, but always what feels like too much internally. getting on a plane in a few weeks to visit the midwest and my possible future (which i am still feeling unapologetically brutal about). enjoying the time i have while i have it. and recently swam in the ocean again for the first time in two years.
last month or so i watched a movie called “cake” in which a line tugged on my heart strings quite forcefully and nearly knocked the wind out of me:
not the first of many similar entries. yesterday i read anis mojgani’s piece on the same topic which was exceptional and moving and right on the money.
i have spent this summer Feeling: grateful to be able to be home without sickness and panic in the same way; full and in love with my life, its companions, its experiences; grieving parts of my life stolen by illness; whichever feeling falls under the sun accordingly.
in terms of being Here, and reflecting on recent work, i am glad to be writing love notes as opposed to suicide notes.